Dec 29 – Feb 12

RIP that time I was happy.

When I felt I didn’t need to vent too much. I mean a little, but that’s what IG SL is for…

Darling, it’s over

This is the song I’m listening to as I write this… to say goodbye. As your mom makes her way to me with the things that makes this more final than anything has ever been in my life. I feel like this is even more final than the deaths of my grandparents and others that I may have known. Because we knew each other more than I knew my grandparents. We shared more of our lives.

Darling it’s over
Darling it’s over
There’s a million reasons why
I mean God knows we tried
But darling it’s over
Darling it’s over
We can keep making excuses
But we both know what the truth is

I know we’ve been through almost everything
And it hurts to see us grow apart
But on our own we can both be better
And I know this is the hardest thing
I will always hold you in my heart
Sometimes good things don’t last forever

Darling it’s over
Darling it’s over
There’s a million reasons why
I mean God knows we tried
But darling it’s over
Darling it’s over
We can keep making excuses
But we both know what the truth is

Darling it’s too late
I’m sorry, it’s too late
It’s over
Darling it’s over
Darling it’s over
Darling it’s over
I don’t wanna see you cry
It’s so hard to say goodbye
But darling it’s over
Darling it’s over

친구

More than anything I am so grateful to have friends. For the first time in… probably this year at least? I spoke with 지은 and 지영… and also had conversations with 이경 and 아라… I think about in college, when I was like, I have no friends… and here I am 20 years later with 4 (PLUS) friends that I can connect with on a whim at a moment’s notice. 18 years, 25 years, 17 years, 33 years… FCK I have FRIENDS! with HISTORY!

I love it so much. I am freakin’ filled with gratitude that though we haven’t kept in touch all the time for all the years, that we still have a love that passes through.

Thank you for reminding me that I am amazing and the same exuberance in college remains in my soul. That I MUST NOT go back to dave just because I’m alone and bored. That duty free is the way to go when it comes to make up. And for being my straight laced friend. You ladies are amazing.

Lease

I guess having an online journal diary blog whatever you want to call it is not the worst partner in the world. In many ways I process my thoughts in this way and this way I can also read back on it and see how I thought many years later. If this still exists. Gosh, remember xanga.

So I’m at the point of having to renew my lease. I either go month to month, do a 6 month lease, or do a 1 year lease. So here’s what I’m thinking.

Month to month no longer makes sense because I have to give them 4 months notice anyway – 2 months to leave, and 2 months for them to clean up and find new tenants. Waiitt… it kind of does. But I think I’ll be here at least 6 months, no problem. I won’t be released until at least April. 6 months is til March, then I can do 1 month to month then.

6 months makes sense but it’s $200 more per month from where I am, which is $170 more per month than what I was offered. At 6 months even if I reup another 6 months, rent will go up again but the current difference of 6 months and 12 is $1020… I almost think that for the opportunity, it’s negligible. Right?

But one year, while it is daunting, I can get out of the lease by staying another 2 months and paying another 2 months rent so $2200 give or take. Which means I basically need to commit til next summer then I can figure out where to go from there. It’s til the end of next July. Which is only 3 months from April…

So 1 year it is.

See, this is so much easier than talking to a guy… laugh not out loud…

If nothing else

If nothing else, this break up has made me lose my appetite. Which has shrunk my stomach. Which has increased my capacity to go longer without eating much. Which has saved me money.

This break up has saved me money.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Grief

The past few days I’ve been sitting with D’s family, especially his mom. Just being around so that she’s not alone and that she feels supported. Since I had a couple days off and fewer responsibilities than the others I felt it was the last I could do. I slept in, ate pizza and Ajishin, and sat around doing nothing. Cleaning a little, taping pictures on the memory board, and just doing a bit of this, a bit of that. Honestly, it was quite relaxing. I didn’t have the responsibilities I have at home or at D’s home and certainly not at work. It was good. 

I finally got home tonight, after being there for about 48 hours, and did my usual things. But when I saw the video of him which coincidentally I had taken and therefore has a few memories attached with him and me, I just broke down. I think I am sad, really sad. Not just for the loss of someone important to someones I love, but the loss this means for me too. I guess I didn’t think that there was much grief, I didn’t know him very well… we spent maybe a total of 100-200 hours together over the past 3 years. But apparently, I’m grieving him and will be grieving him. In the safety and solitude of my own place, when I finally got done with the busyness and shut off netflix… it came. 

There’s no doubt about it that he was an infuriating man. But he was also knowledgeable, smart, opinionated, passionate and caring. Most of the time the reason I went to see him was so that D would go spend time with him and his mom. But apparently… something meaningful and deep enough that I wanted to come to this page, I have not been on in years… and jot down my grief. 

So… good bye for now, I hope you found a copy of the Song of the South that you so wanted to find where you now call home. 

Egad

Now that I know that there is likely no chance of me going to Torch this year I am bothered. Unsettled. Don’t know what to do next. So I quick step applied to Liberty.

The options are Christian Education in English or Christian Counseling in Korean. Now, I understand that there are courses I can take in English anyway however the actual program will be the Korean program.

Christian Education has been my field so far but I think I’m…

 

So today at the prayer meeting I was praying about my failure and how to move forward with all of it. Trying to discern whether I really want to do this or I just want something to do. I mean I think I want to do this but honestly I’m not entirely sure. And I think one of the main reasons that I got rejected was because I did not portray that well. I shared that I didn’t apply with the intention of coming, but rather with the intention of seeking God. And I thought that was an honest and good answer – but the reality is that I needed to have shared that it was this way or the highway. I needed to have strategically thought about how to share what so that I am being truthful to them, myself, and God, and at the same time not revealing what is going to be disadvantageous for me.

And I had this thought – I do want to think about and research, and help people who have high-functioning depression. I want to help people make the decision to keep living, to not end their lives. This is important to me. Whether this is a God call or something that is coming from me, I don’t know – but honestly if it’s what I am passionate about – saving lives – isn’t that what God is about?

Sunday’s message was about that – that God is in the business of saving lives. And that while God rested on the Sabbath, there was one thing for which God did not rest – saving lives.

So yes, I do want to study counseling because I want to help save lives.

I am already in the business of saving lives – but in many ways the lives I am saving are already ‘saved’ and I build relationships to sustain them in their relationship with God.

So let me keep thinking about what, how… how this is going to be different. Why this is going to be different.

 

Nehemiah was a governor and cup bearer.

Declined

Just a more pleasant way to say denied right? A polite way to say rejected.

So I put a lot into applying but I guess I couldn’t stop being myself, or a version of myself that I felt was true to who I was and I was declined. Maybe it was a preemptive defense mechanism or something but, yesterday during worship I suddenly felt somewhat at peace, more like a feeling that it would be okay, even if I did not get in. I haven’t thought much about it since then but lo and behold, this morning I check and I did indeed get declined. So politely. Yet so terse.

I called and asked about the score since there was a published 500 point system and was basically told that while they aren’t told why, ‘there are cases’ in which people fail the interview. In other words, I failed the interview.

This is the first (probably not) time that I’m really thinking there is something to this two-character thing. I mean truthful but not honest. There’s an age at which it becomes legitimate, a fame at which it become legitimate but I am at a stage in life where I am still trying to ‘make it’ right? So in that stage, maybe there has to be some coyness in life. This is the second interview in a row that I’ve bombed. And they both came with being too honest. About my depression, about my trauma, about where I am in life. And I thought it was good that I was honest but in retrospect maybe not so.

In all honesty there were 2 things I regretted, joking about seminary and talking about my trauma. I thought I recovered but I mean if I think about the times that I am the judge, or in shows that judge they really rip it apart to shreds. Any little negative thing could be a huge deal.

So in interviews, always maintain your professional composure. And let what comes out of your mouth go through your mind twice.

I think I’m okay. My heart rate is very slightly elevated and I am numbly sad. Not really angry, frustrated, depressed, or dejected. Maybe it’s because there’s another chance.

There is one thing I think I know for sure, I don’t really want to be consoled and encouraged by well-meaning people.

Right now I can think of 3 big rejections in life.

1. dual degree
2. las vegas
3. macc

The latter two was, to my knowledge, because of my over-honesty. There is such a thing as strategy and showing only 50% or even 20% of what’s going on in your head.

사랑아, 잘 할 수 있어.

Here’s to a second go.

But remember that your value is not in your success.
Your success comes from what you value.

Heavenly Time

So I spent a couple weeks in Thailand with the family and some friends as well. I had a good time, in fact a great time, but didn’t think much of it. I wasn’t like man I really want to stay longer, but neither was I like I can’t wait to go back to Korea. I just thought it was an appropriate amount of time and grateful that there wasn’t a huge blowout.

But after coming back to Korea, I realize what a heavenly time it was. And how healing it was for me. More than the 10 weeks I spent in Korea, the 2 weeks I spent in Thailand – not traveling or anything – simply visiting some of my old stomping grounds, doing some of the things that are nice and relaxing that I enjoy, spending time with friends, shopping, spending money freely, realizing that I am still good at Thai, having good food – even if it’s not everything I wanted to eat, it was healing. I don’t know if it’s 10 weeks of vitamins that are now built up in the system enough for it to be kicking in, or a 2 week intense medication regimen that is ‘working’ so to speak but it’s good right now.

Whatever the case, I’m feeling more than 50% now. I’m feeling like I could probably take on a project right now, a job, school, something. However for me to thrive maybe I do need a little more time.

There is a small possibility that I will start grad school again in two weeks, and I don’t know if it’s the busyness, the nature of the program, the classes, the self-reflection, the age, or what that will actually help me fully heal to be stronger than I was before. But I kinda want that.

But at the moment what I need to discern whether I really want to go back to school to study counseling, or just don’t want to deal with failure at this juncture…

stop it

I actually really dislike it when people try to make me feel better. When I’m in a mood, just let me be in my mood. When I’m upset, just let me be upset. When I’m sad, just let me be sad. Don’t try and make me happy or smile or laugh. Don’t use your chipper voice to try and make my day better. If I’m low energy, just let me be low energy. I’ll do what I can and what I gotta do to get the job done but just leave me the damn alone.

Now this doesn’t work so good when you live in constant fear of the last time you talk to your loved ones can be the last time. Is it likely going to be the last time? No. Probably not. But when you live literally on the other side of the globe, and it takes 3 planes going 9000 miles across land and an ocean it feels like each time could be the last time.

So even though I’m in a mood, or sad, or just don’t want to pick up for whatever reason – you do. Because each time could be the last time. And I don’t want to be that person who doesn’t pick up a call from a loved one. Sends it to voicemail.