Egad

Now that I know that there is likely no chance of me going to Torch this year I am bothered. Unsettled. Don’t know what to do next. So I quick step applied to Liberty.

The options are Christian Education in English or Christian Counseling in Korean. Now, I understand that there are courses I can take in English anyway however the actual program will be the Korean program.

Christian Education has been my field so far but I think I’m…

 

So today at the prayer meeting I was praying about my failure and how to move forward with all of it. Trying to discern whether I really want to do this or I just want something to do. I mean I think I want to do this but honestly I’m not entirely sure. And I think one of the main reasons that I got rejected was because I did not portray that well. I shared that I didn’t apply with the intention of coming, but rather with the intention of seeking God. And I thought that was an honest and good answer – but the reality is that I needed to have shared that it was this way or the highway. I needed to have strategically thought about how to share what so that I am being truthful to them, myself, and God, and at the same time not revealing what is going to be disadvantageous for me.

And I had this thought – I do want to think about and research, and help people who have high-functioning depression. I want to help people make the decision to keep living, to not end their lives. This is important to me. Whether this is a God call or something that is coming from me, I don’t know – but honestly if it’s what I am passionate about – saving lives – isn’t that what God is about?

Sunday’s message was about that – that God is in the business of saving lives. And that while God rested on the Sabbath, there was one thing for which God did not rest – saving lives.

So yes, I do want to study counseling because I want to help save lives.

I am already in the business of saving lives – but in many ways the lives I am saving are already ‘saved’ and I build relationships to sustain them in their relationship with God.

So let me keep thinking about what, how… how this is going to be different. Why this is going to be different.

 

Nehemiah was a governor and cup bearer.

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Declined

Just a more pleasant way to say denied right? A polite way to say rejected.

So I put a lot into applying but I guess I couldn’t stop being myself, or a version of myself that I felt was true to who I was and I was declined. Maybe it was a preemptive defense mechanism or something but, yesterday during worship I suddenly felt somewhat at peace, more like a feeling that it would be okay, even if I did not get in. I haven’t thought much about it since then but lo and behold, this morning I check and I did indeed get declined. So politely. Yet so terse.

I called and asked about the score since there was a published 500 point system and was basically told that while they aren’t told why, ‘there are cases’ in which people fail the interview. In other words, I failed the interview.

This is the first (probably not) time that I’m really thinking there is something to this two-character thing. I mean truthful but not honest. There’s an age at which it becomes legitimate, a fame at which it become legitimate but I am at a stage in life where I am still trying to ‘make it’ right? So in that stage, maybe there has to be some coyness in life. This is the second interview in a row that I’ve bombed. And they both came with being too honest. About my depression, about my trauma, about where I am in life. And I thought it was good that I was honest but in retrospect maybe not so.

In all honesty there were 2 things I regretted, joking about seminary and talking about my trauma. I thought I recovered but I mean if I think about the times that I am the judge, or in shows that judge they really rip it apart to shreds. Any little negative thing could be a huge deal.

So in interviews, always maintain your professional composure. And let what comes out of your mouth go through your mind twice.

I think I’m okay. My heart rate is very slightly elevated and I am numbly sad. Not really angry, frustrated, depressed, or dejected. Maybe it’s because there’s another chance.

There is one thing I think I know for sure, I don’t really want to be consoled and encouraged by well-meaning people.

Right now I can think of 3 big rejections in life.

  1. dual degree
  2. las vegas
  3. macc

The latter two was, to my knowledge, because of my over-honesty. There is such a thing as strategy and showing only 50% or even 20% of what’s going on in your head.

사랑아, 잘 할 수 있어.

Here’s to a second go.

But remember that your value is not in your success.
Your success comes from what you value.

Heavenly Time

So I spent a couple weeks in Thailand with the family and some friends as well. I had a good time, in fact a great time, but didn’t think much of it. I wasn’t like man I really want to stay longer, but neither was I like I can’t wait to go back to Korea. I just thought it was an appropriate amount of time and grateful that there wasn’t a huge blowout.

But after coming back to Korea, I realize what a heavenly time it was. And how healing it was for me. More than the 10 weeks I spent in Korea, the 2 weeks I spent in Thailand – not traveling or anything – simply visiting some of my old stomping grounds, doing some of the things that are nice and relaxing that I enjoy, spending time with friends, shopping, spending money freely, realizing that I am still good at Thai, having good food – even if it’s not everything I wanted to eat, it was healing. I don’t know if it’s 10 weeks of vitamins that are now built up in the system enough for it to be kicking in, or a 2 week intense medication regimen that is ‘working’ so to speak but it’s good right now.

Whatever the case, I’m feeling more than 50% now. I’m feeling like I could probably take on a project right now, a job, school, something. However for me to thrive maybe I do need a little more time.

There is a small possibility that I will start grad school again in two weeks, and I don’t know if it’s the busyness, the nature of the program, the classes, the self-reflection, the age, or what that will actually help me fully heal to be stronger than I was before. But I kinda want that.

But at the moment what I need to discern whether I really want to go back to school to study counseling, or just don’t want to deal with failure at this juncture…

stop it

I actually really dislike it when people try to make me feel better. When I’m in a mood, just let me be in my mood. When I’m upset, just let me be upset. When I’m sad, just let me be sad. Don’t try and make me happy or smile or laugh. Don’t use your chipper voice to try and make my day better. If I’m low energy, just let me be low energy. I’ll do what I can and what I gotta do to get the job done but just leave me the damn alone.

Now this doesn’t work so good when you live in constant fear of the last time you talk to your loved ones can be the last time. Is it likely going to be the last time? No. Probably not. But when you live literally on the other side of the globe, and it takes 3 planes going 9000 miles across land and an ocean it feels like each time could be the last time.

So even though I’m in a mood, or sad, or just don’t want to pick up for whatever reason – you do. Because each time could be the last time. And I don’t want to be that person who doesn’t pick up a call from a loved one. Sends it to voicemail.

Four Brave Soldiers

So, there was a war between the Philistines and Israel. David and his men went to fight but David became exhausted. Then this warrior from the Philistines with an insanely heavy spear and a brand new armor announced that he would kill David but one of David’s men, Abishai, came to the rescue and killed the Philistine.

Now this freaked David’s men out and they told David to stay put, that if he died, it was like the lamp of Israel being snuffed out.

And so whenever a warrior arose from the Philistines one of David’s men killed them and David was safe. Their names were the aforementioned Abishai, Sibbecai, Elhanan, and Jonathan.

2 Samuel 21:15-22 (SKV)

So at this point David was already pretty old, but being the kind of leader that he was, he entered into the battlefield. The Philistines were out for him, they were gonna kill him. But David’s servants protected him by standing with him and protecting him and killing those who were trying to kill David.

Now I don’t particularly like this killing stuff, but it’s not from today, right. It’s from thousands of years ago. Not that God ever endorsed killings but it’s weird! Anyways, the Israelites believed David to be the Light of Israel and therefore watched over him, physically, to make sure that the light did not go out. This can be compared to the lamp that is trimmed and burning in the Holy Place. And just like the light in the Holy Place which represents God’s presence, David’s ‘light’ represents the life of Israel.

That’s not the part that really hits home though. What hits home is that although David was close to collapsing in his age and weariness, and really didn’t have the strength to fight, he remained the LIGHT of Israel.

So, a life with God, is like a light that never goes out. No matter what the circumstance, when we are with God, the light of God in us never goes out. We continue to shine in the darkest nights, in the sootiest lamp, the light has not died. It may not shine far and bright as it does on a clear summer, or fill a room with brightness, but it does fill it with light, more light than darkness, no matter how dark it feels.

In other words, no matter how shitty I feel right now, and everything seems to be piling on, and there seems to be no grace, and I feel trapped in a vicious cycle, and I don’t really feel like I’m with God, God is with me and that light in me is still burning bright – it just can’t be seen in my current circumstance.

And David was real blessed to have these four soldiers that did not fear the giant and protected him by putting themselves on the line. Right now, I am not that blessed. Not in a physical capacity.

But it is hopeful to know that there is light, right? That the light is still there, even in the darkest nights.

I don’t know how to get out of this funk.

I’m lost

For the first time in years I admitted to someone, and thereby myself, that I may be on the road to depression. That’s a sad and scary thought. I’m not myself right now, I’m not fully here. I can turn it on for certain things, especially new and different things, but in my daily life it’s hard to be me…

I’ve noticed that. There have been individuals that have noticed that.

Then tonight I was watching girl meets world, and in the last two episodes Riley is on a journey to try and help Maya find herself. Riley asks questions like ‘Where are you Maya’ and says things like ‘You’ve become me’ and I… recognize that I’ve started to lose myself, or maybe I’m completely lost.

Who I am.

I barely recognize who I was anymore.

This is tough.