When I am mad, I often say “it’s not what happened, it’s the principle of it that makes me mad.” but yesterday I was challenged with is it indeed the principle or is it that it didn’t go my way.
I think I’ve known for quite a while how much of an entitled a88 I am. Very rarely do things not to my way, at least not when it mattered. But every now and again, I am denied something, or something doesn’t happen the way that it should… And I get mad, I get frustrated, I huff and puff and walk off mad. Probably made the other person either bewildered that I reacted that way over such a little thing, or mad that I’m asking for more than they feel like doing at that moment.
But moving past the little things that don’t matter and I really have no business trying to fix other than the fact that I am a finicky little minx, what about the big things.

I was challenged yet again to think about Gods sovereignty in my life. His sovereign rule over my life in the day to day. Do I think about it, do I give each day to God and live my life as a sacrifice to him.

설명이 필요 없는 삶을 사는것은 결코 쉽지가 않다…

Missed opportunities

I want to say I was almost a part of something great, but I know that’s not true. Because I am a part of something great. Just different from a world renown type of great.
Missed opportunities don’t necessarily come but once in a lifetime. And there are many things that can be seen as  less important in “the light of day.”

While this is not one of them, and I regret that I am not in the position to influence my own movements, there is nothing I can do about it now.

I just pray that in my heart there is no blame. That it simply is. This is not an apt comparison but Jesus did not blame those who took him to Pilate or those who nailed him to the cross.

For they know not what they do. Or in my case for they know not what they don’t.

I guess the question for me is, is it worth it to educate?

For me I think the answer is not really. Not for a place that I am subconsciously invested in temporally.

From my heart to the heavens, Jesus be the center. It’s all about you, yes it’s all about you.
Jesus be the center of my life, Jesus be the center of my life. From beginning to the end, it has always been, it will always be you Jesus, Jesus.

I think my confession has to be that even with Jesus at the center of my life, your life, my church, your church… It doesn’t look the same. It each has its own context and history.

I’m just smh and going why the egg am I here. Here. Here. Here.

That will always be a question, with one perfect yet often dissatisfactory answer.

Cuz Jesus put me here.

고백하지 않은 사랑

When you get married, it’s going to be tough…
I’m going to stalk you and her on facebook
Try to recreate your relationship
And figure out what I missed, why it wasn’t me.

As I think back on it, almost 10 years ago now…
I see what I thought was a timing issue
May actually have just been unrequited.
That I liked you. Like a lot.
Yet I talked about another guy in front of you.
A guy you knew, no less.
A guy who ended up being a bit of a prick.

On the other hand,
You’re a good guy, a really good guy.
I don’t know why you’re still, in your own words – solo.
I know why I am.
Cuz I’m the duff that is everyone’s friend.
But even if I wasn’t
We are so far apart
Literally by thousands of miles.
7000 to be exact.
And an ocean.
We’ve also grown up, and apart.
We’re no longer friends.
Barely even colleagues.
But even more than that,
We’ve probably changed in ways unimaginable

But when I think of your vision for China
And my vision for Thailand
Somehow all of that clicks for me into an interlocking piece
And I have never had that
I have never felt that with anyone else

But maybe our visions have also changed
I know that as much as I hold onto my visions from college
Things have shifted, got tousled and turned.

It’s silly for a girl to confess
That I liked you 7 years ago.
And that every couple years I still think of you
And what could have been
Especially what you would say if I told you now
The length to which I went to not fall in love with you.

I think about how much I’ve changed
And I know that while you have also grown
We likely did not end up in the same hemisphere

I’m a little scared you’ll read this.
And a little hopeful you will.

And if we ever get together
And I really don’t think we will
Just know, I won’t take your last name
And I don’t plan on having kids


I don’t know if I can do this anymore.
I just don’t know if I can survive in this place.
So far removed from reality
A healthy reality
A good reality

Not that this world is inherently good, always.

I know, I have to stay here
Because He called me here
And He has lessons for me to learn here

but today.
Which started great.
I don’t know what happened.
I just don’t know if I can do this anymore.

Without seeing my family once a month
Without having friends
Without having a weekend away, often.

I just don’t know.

It’s not that I want it to be greedy.
I need it to be healthy.
An hour a day
A day a week
A weekend a month
A week a year

But if I can’t get that,
I need few weeks a year

I need it
I need to get away.
I need to be revived.

Occasional thought

Occasionally I think about life and how it progresses.

I think about when my time here is over and when my time there is done

I think about when I will know that God’s lessons for me are complete

I think about how I will know what to do, where to go, next

Then I realize that if I am thinking about this, usually it means something is wrong

I’m not quite thinking right

I’m having an emotional response to a temporary problem.


sometimes I just need somebody to cry with me

to sit with me

and to hold me close

and say i know

whether it is that my life that is falling apart

or the world around me

whether i am rejoicing with tears

or shedding tears of sorrow

i just now that my heart is broken

for what i do not know

the disunity

the disharmony

the disillusioned

the delusional

i think most of all my heart breaks for the delusional

for those who do not know what really matters

for those who think what is the most important to them right now is the most important period

but i sit here, knowing better

then i think, but do i?

in some cases, without a doubt

but in many more,

while i defiantly do

i definitely do not


i doubt i’ll know what i’m writing about in five years time

but yesterday and today, this whole week, has been a week of tears




maybe even political

thank God i’m 31 and still have time to figure it out

Today I came home

Today I came home

Got out of my clothes

Lay down on my couch

Watched a video of my really adorable nephew

Confessed that it was a hard day to a family member

And cried.

For like 30 seconds.

But it wasn’t really a hard day…

It was a busy day but there wasn’t really a lot that was hard about it.

I didn’t have to preach, I didn’t have to sing, I didn’t have to do anything really.

I just watched the organization of things in weeks and months past happen.

I did run around like a headless chicken for an hour or so but then it was fine.

Maybe it’s because I feel judged? Or do I.

Maybe it’s because of Charleston, SC.

Maybe it’s because I have realized I’m here, for better or for worse, for the next 30 months.

Maybe it’s because I don’t want to live my life as a count down to the next thing.

But maybe I need to experience that to know. To know something I don’t know yet.

I can’t always be waiting for something better, for something more, something different.

But that’s what this life sort of feels like.

Am I content or complacent.

Am I satisfied or satiated?

I kind of feel like there is a silent rage inside me somewhere that is currently just below the surface, cruising an inch below the surface and waiting to explode. It’s something I need to deal with, something I need to figure out.