Today I came home
Got out of my clothes
Lay down on my couch
Watched a video of my really adorable nephew
Confessed that it was a hard day to a family member
For like 30 seconds.
But it wasn’t really a hard day…
It was a busy day but there wasn’t really a lot that was hard about it.
I didn’t have to preach, I didn’t have to sing, I didn’t have to do anything really.
I just watched the organization of things in weeks and months past happen.
I did run around like a headless chicken for an hour or so but then it was fine.
Maybe it’s because I feel judged? Or do I.
Maybe it’s because of Charleston, SC.
Maybe it’s because I have realized I’m here, for better or for worse, for the next 30 months.
Maybe it’s because I don’t want to live my life as a count down to the next thing.
But maybe I need to experience that to know. To know something I don’t know yet.
I can’t always be waiting for something better, for something more, something different.
But that’s what this life sort of feels like.
Am I content or complacent.
Am I satisfied or satiated?
I kind of feel like there is a silent rage inside me somewhere that is currently just below the surface, cruising an inch below the surface and waiting to explode. It’s something I need to deal with, something I need to figure out.