Lord, help me not be a bitch

Today… I think… may be the first time I called myself a bitch and really meant it. And I think that’s what’s making me uneasy. I am in a sinful mode. I am in a farce mode. I am in a mode that is not natural to who I am but seems very natural because it’s easy to be a bitter bitch. I don’t know if I can blame satan on all the shit. Whatever the case, while not rock bottom, I’ve hit a place that I’m so frustrated. Maybe it’s because I have a partner in crime that has taken it from me so far and I was able to bitch about things. Maybe it’s escalated because I haven’t been in therapy for a few… months. Maybe maybe maybe. At the end of the day though, I need to take ownership out of what comes out of my mouth.

From when I was a kid, one of the things that mom would always say to us as we get out of the car was 입에 파수꾼을 붙여라. Meaning, to place a watchman by my mouth. Words are easy to spill out but once they’re out, they’re out. And I need to watch my mouth.

I get impacted by the vibe of other people. I know that. And maybe I’ve tried to blame that. Because A is like this, and B is like this. Because C isn’t doing it, and D is doing it.

Rock Bottom. I don’t know if I’ve ever been there. I don’t care to be. But maybe shit’s hit the fan. Maybe that’s something that’s not quite rock bottom but shitty enough for me to go, well I don’t want that to happen again.

I have thought about this for a while and for Lent I’m going to give up complaining. Or speaking negatively about something. Power of positivity. Power of the gospel. Power of grace. Power of mercy. I don’t enjoy giving things up for Lent. Not because it’s not enjoyable but because I struggle with the ‘symbolism’ of it. It’s more of people trying not to do what they shouldn’t be doing anyway. A second chance at a New Year’s Resolution. However… I think this is important enough for me to give it a shot.

I know that when I make a promise with God, I tend to keep it. Much better than I can do with a promise to myself. I can promise myself I’ll wake up at a reasonable hour all I want and it ain’t gonna happen. Or food. Well shit, I love my food. Moving on.

For Lent, and for the rest of my life, I am going to give up complaining and talking smack about other people. I want to be the person that God has created me to be, an encourager. One who speaks truth but is not a bitch about it. A mother, with a mother’s heart. A lover, like my name. Strong inside, and meek outside.

후… 마음 아프다… 마음 아프다… 마음 아프다…

But just cuz I hurt, I am NOT going to be a bitch about it.

Intern

I watched The Intern today. Robert De Niro is so great. I love him in this movie. Actually, pretty much any movie I’ve seen him in. Anyways, throughout the first half of the movie, all I could see was Devil Wears Prada – millenial version.

And then I started thinking about sacrifice and compromise. And how women often make the compromises that help make a man great. And I think it took me 31 years to realize that not everyone can have it all. At least not in the sense that I was perceiving it for myself. We may be perfectly content, and maybe even joyous at the life that we currently lead. However, there are always, ALWAYS unachieved goals or the road not taken. Not by me.

But movies aren’t often maid about the person who doesn’t get it all, at least not in the end. Also, a lot of people seem like they have it all when you look from a distance.

Whether it’s the guy or the girl that ends up making more of the compromise, traditionally girl, someone does. Someone has to. In a family, whether it’s the mom, dad, or child.

And maybe the woman being the stereo typically more nurturing, more sacrificial? more flexible, generous person? IDK.

And maybe I got so frustrated yesterday. You’ve got two jobs, and get paid at least two grand more than I do, and four grand more into your household, and yet I am the one who pays for the ice cream. It’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things but it adds up, builds up, and I get frustrated.

None of us like not getting our way.

My question is why does it tend to fall on the woman. And will it have to fall on me? Will I get to that point where I want to make that sacrifice/compromise?

Right now, I don’t want to.

But once again, in the grand scheme of things, is my id that important?

I don’t want to be that girl

My friend got engaged today. And that is so great. But I am reminded all the more that I don’t want to be that girl, that gives up her life and ideals to get married. So many of my girl friends got engaged, married, and moved from where they were to where the man is. So many of my girl friends put their own dreams on hold as they supported and moved into the lives of their man. A few of my girl friends continued to pursue their dream as best they can whilst stepping into the life of their man. Yet a very very few of my girl friends have married guys who supported her life in a way that he sacrificed some of his life for their life together.

I guess it just bothers me that someone always is sacrificing, and even if it is done with joy and willingness, it often defaults to the woman.

Revisiting Depression

Let me start by iterating that I am by no means depressed. Am I happy, probably not. But I’m not depressed. I’m in life-mode. It goes on, I function, I have fun, I have sad times, I have angry times, I have tension, I have frustrations, I have joys, I have sorrows, etc. But when I look at the circumstances right now in my life, especially my physical condition, I hate this damn cold cough thing I have going on, it is the exact symptom that made me feel depressed last time. Granted, I’ve only been stressing on this for two weeks, if that. And last time I was stressing about it for months before I knew what was going on. It’s no fun to have things going on in your life that you have no control over and have no understanding of.

Symptom, cause and effect.

Dafuq

Sometimes I go, wadafuq

Because there are absolutely no other adequate words for the situation.

And I let that dafuq in me subside and try and see the gift in the circumstance.

It’s not always easy. It’s not always visible. It’s not always true.

But it’s always there.

Because, I remind myself, God has put me here.

So when you feel like going wadafuq with smack a wall against a face.

Remember that:

You are totally depraved. And so are the ones who made you swear in the first place.

Principle

When I am mad, I often say “it’s not what happened, it’s the principle of it that makes me mad.” but yesterday I was challenged with is it indeed the principle or is it that it didn’t go my way.
I think I’ve known for quite a while how much of an entitled a88 I am. Very rarely do things not to my way, at least not when it mattered. But every now and again, I am denied something, or something doesn’t happen the way that it should… And I get mad, I get frustrated, I huff and puff and walk off mad. Probably made the other person either bewildered that I reacted that way over such a little thing, or mad that I’m asking for more than they feel like doing at that moment.
But moving past the little things that don’t matter and I really have no business trying to fix other than the fact that I am a finicky little minx, what about the big things.

I was challenged yet again to think about Gods sovereignty in my life. His sovereign rule over my life in the day to day. Do I think about it, do I give each day to God and live my life as a sacrifice to him.

설명이 필요 없는 삶을 사는것은 결코 쉽지가 않다…

Missed opportunities

I want to say I was almost a part of something great, but I know that’s not true. Because I am a part of something great. Just different from a world renown type of great.
Missed opportunities don’t necessarily come but once in a lifetime. And there are many things that can be seen as  less important in “the light of day.”

While this is not one of them, and I regret that I am not in the position to influence my own movements, there is nothing I can do about it now.

I just pray that in my heart there is no blame. That it simply is. This is not an apt comparison but Jesus did not blame those who took him to Pilate or those who nailed him to the cross.

For they know not what they do. Or in my case for they know not what they don’t.

I guess the question for me is, is it worth it to educate?

For me I think the answer is not really. Not for a place that I am subconsciously invested in temporally.

From my heart to the heavens, Jesus be the center. It’s all about you, yes it’s all about you.
Jesus be the center of my life, Jesus be the center of my life. From beginning to the end, it has always been, it will always be you Jesus, Jesus.

I think my confession has to be that even with Jesus at the center of my life, your life, my church, your church… It doesn’t look the same. It each has its own context and history.

I’m just smh and going why the egg am I here. Here. Here. Here.

That will always be a question, with one perfect yet often dissatisfactory answer.

Cuz Jesus put me here.