Today… I think… may be the first time I called myself a bitch and really meant it. And I think that’s what’s making me uneasy. I am in a sinful mode. I am in a farce mode. I am in a mode that is not natural to who I am but seems very natural because it’s easy to be a bitter bitch. I don’t know if I can blame satan on all the shit. Whatever the case, while not rock bottom, I’ve hit a place that I’m so frustrated. Maybe it’s because I have a partner in crime that has taken it from me so far and I was able to bitch about things. Maybe it’s escalated because I haven’t been in therapy for a few… months. Maybe maybe maybe. At the end of the day though, I need to take ownership out of what comes out of my mouth.
From when I was a kid, one of the things that mom would always say to us as we get out of the car was 입에 파수꾼을 붙여라. Meaning, to place a watchman by my mouth. Words are easy to spill out but once they’re out, they’re out. And I need to watch my mouth.
I get impacted by the vibe of other people. I know that. And maybe I’ve tried to blame that. Because A is like this, and B is like this. Because C isn’t doing it, and D is doing it.
Rock Bottom. I don’t know if I’ve ever been there. I don’t care to be. But maybe shit’s hit the fan. Maybe that’s something that’s not quite rock bottom but shitty enough for me to go, well I don’t want that to happen again.
I have thought about this for a while and for Lent I’m going to give up complaining. Or speaking negatively about something. Power of positivity. Power of the gospel. Power of grace. Power of mercy. I don’t enjoy giving things up for Lent. Not because it’s not enjoyable but because I struggle with the ‘symbolism’ of it. It’s more of people trying not to do what they shouldn’t be doing anyway. A second chance at a New Year’s Resolution. However… I think this is important enough for me to give it a shot.
I know that when I make a promise with God, I tend to keep it. Much better than I can do with a promise to myself. I can promise myself I’ll wake up at a reasonable hour all I want and it ain’t gonna happen. Or food. Well shit, I love my food. Moving on.
For Lent, and for the rest of my life, I am going to give up complaining and talking smack about other people. I want to be the person that God has created me to be, an encourager. One who speaks truth but is not a bitch about it. A mother, with a mother’s heart. A lover, like my name. Strong inside, and meek outside.
후… 마음 아프다… 마음 아프다… 마음 아프다…
But just cuz I hurt, I am NOT going to be a bitch about it.