Cry

sometimes I just need somebody to cry with me

to sit with me

and to hold me close

and say i know

whether it is that my life that is falling apart

or the world around me

whether i am rejoicing with tears

or shedding tears of sorrow

i just now that my heart is broken

for what i do not know

the disunity

the disharmony

the disillusioned

the delusional

i think most of all my heart breaks for the delusional

for those who do not know what really matters

for those who think what is the most important to them right now is the most important period

but i sit here, knowing better

then i think, but do i?

in some cases, without a doubt

but in many more,

while i defiantly do

i definitely do not

know

i doubt i’ll know what i’m writing about in five years time

but yesterday and today, this whole week, has been a week of tears

personal

existential

social

maybe even political

thank God i’m 31 and still have time to figure it out

Today I came home

Today I came home

Got out of my clothes

Lay down on my couch

Watched a video of my really adorable nephew

Confessed that it was a hard day to a family member

And cried.

For like 30 seconds.

But it wasn’t really a hard day…

It was a busy day but there wasn’t really a lot that was hard about it.

I didn’t have to preach, I didn’t have to sing, I didn’t have to do anything really.

I just watched the organization of things in weeks and months past happen.

I did run around like a headless chicken for an hour or so but then it was fine.

Maybe it’s because I feel judged? Or do I.

Maybe it’s because of Charleston, SC.

Maybe it’s because I have realized I’m here, for better or for worse, for the next 30 months.

Maybe it’s because I don’t want to live my life as a count down to the next thing.

But maybe I need to experience that to know. To know something I don’t know yet.

I can’t always be waiting for something better, for something more, something different.

But that’s what this life sort of feels like.

Am I content or complacent.

Am I satisfied or satiated?

I kind of feel like there is a silent rage inside me somewhere that is currently just below the surface, cruising an inch below the surface and waiting to explode. It’s something I need to deal with, something I need to figure out.

What do I do when I am PISSED

Vent. I need to vent. I need to just get it out. And let’s be real, I need to swear. Like a San Fransisco ton. I hope I still know what that means in a year. San Fransisco. Hint – go check today’s post on facebook. I use it a San Fransisco ton.

Eat. I need to eat. It doesn’t even have to be good food. Just eat something and watch something fun.

Laugh. I need to laugh, giggle, smile, get away from it all. And usually this is done by watching something.

Sleep. I need to sleep, then I forget about my troubles.

I wonder if adulthood is different though.

I can’t help but wish it were all different.

And that I weren’t here to deal with all of this life’s challenges, big and small.

And I could just be with God.

A Mother’s Love

It hit me today that my mother loves God more than me.
I mean, I guess I always knew.
But theory and reality are two different, too different.

Something Awesome

I can’t say that everyday is all rainbows and unicorns, tiaras and marshmallows.

But I can say working in a predominantly white church, is kind of… awesome.

Not because of the people, who are indeed awesome.

Not because of the work, which is indeed awesome. sometimes.

Not because of the office, which is indeed fantabulous.

Not because of the budget, location, or any of the gazillion things that are part of working in a church.

But because of the abundance of resources out there that has been written for this specific context. Yeah, sure there are tweaks that have to be made because of size, culture, preferences etc… And then whatever I can’t find, there are so many people there that I have direct and indirect access to that while not acknowledged as leading professionals in the field, are actually really knowledgeable and give great advice and ideas from their own experience. Or not.

Serving in this church I knew would be a different kind of difficult. But something that I never anticipated was that I would be able to tap into an entirely different peer group that has existed throughout my years in ministry but has rarely been relevant.

Admittedly, more often than not when I ask questions the responses are not helpful. Sadly. However, the existence of a peer group, no matter how VR it is has been something that has been ‘saving grace’ for me amidst this seemingly difficult situation. And admittedly, this is not exclusive to predominantly white churches. But relevant to me.

31

One of the ‘dangers’ of having a birthday early in the month is that it doesn’t feel that close until it’s May, and then boom it’s my birthday in a few days. But I spent a good chunk of today alt-tabbing into my calendar and realized, oh shizzle – there’s only one more Thursday til my birthday.

So I take a moment out of my day and ponder.

Is 31 is one of those birthdays that just simply passes by?

I remember someone saying to me that turning 31 was harder than 30. It was like they really hit the 30s, they were no longer barely 30, they were IN their 30s.

Turning 30 was, not really a big deal but I made sure I made it a big deal for myself. Knowing me, knowing who I am, knowing what tendencies I have… I made sure. That I had a bash, I had a trip, I had a present, I pampered me. And I had no regrets. That’s not true, there was an unfortunate day that I spent with an unfortunate person. But even that I suppose I have no regrets. It took me to see people I love.

But can I pass my birthday gently by without a fuss and still be living in contentment knowing… that it’s okay?

I wonder.

And Moey, if you’re reading this, it’s your birthday soon too.